Issue 18: The Sports Issue

Monk Dave & Terry Lever, Talking About Welsh Rugby -- March 16, 2013 -- 12:30pm:

 Dave: "So apparently the Welsh quarterback just scored a home run against the enemy team, and quickly followed it up with a hole-in-one that stunned the crowd. Fingers crossed our boys bring home the gold medallion trophy tonight which states that they are the best at handling a massive egg, and that no one else is better than them no matter what."

Terry: "Look. At the end of the day, there's only one winner here... And that's casual racism."

Issue 17: The Confusion Issue

DBC - December 12, 2012 - 6:36pm:

"I have an old-ass doorbell and I was down my hallway, in my spare room, and sneezed so loud that I made it ring. I thought someone was at the door. ...Good sneeze. Good sneeze..."
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Rae Alexandra - December 3, 2012 - 2:16pm:

 
"Steph and I went to Target yesterday so I could buy a record player... Instead, I came home with underwear, a Christmas suit for Besito, string cheese, a baking tray, a pair of boots, a dog bed, filing materials and condoms. It is very, very difficult for me to focus in Target."
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 Carly Graham - November 15, 2012 - 6:58pm:

Rae: Things I have learned from OKCupid today: there are a FUCK TON of Poly people in the Bay Area. TONS.
Carly: As in, Polynesian?
Rae: Polyamorous!
Carly: Oh! ...It's like I live under a rock...

Issue 16: The "Ach, Kids Today" Issue

Sarah Lethbridge & A Variety Of Her Friends Discuss Kids Today - December 17, 2011 - 7:14pm:

Sarah: "Little, shitty kids just threw an L.P. at my house. Upon examining the fragments, I have discovered that it contained the Jennifer Rush classic, 'The Power Of Love'."

David Melkevik: "That's my favourite record called 'The Power Of Love'! ...Not counting Frankie Goes To Hollywood... Or Huey Lewis & The News..."

Rob Owens: "Good job it wasn't the triple gate-fold sleeve box-set edition. Lethal!

Andy Brown: "It's a working men's club classic! ...Next week: Sarah gets a copy of Bette Midler's 'Wind Beneath My Wings' smashed over her head in a Cardiff chippy."

Sarah: "I can see it now! The Let's-Attack-Sarah-With-MOR-Power-Ballads viral, You Tube mash-up internet sensation!"

Leon Buckmaster: "A couple of weeks ago, while mowing the grass in a play park, I found the remains of Laura Branigan's 'Self Control'. Kids these days have some kind of contempt for '80s power ballads, obviously..."

Sarah: "Perhaps it's an outpouring of rage at 2011 lack of opportunities. They are hurling abuse at the extravagant selfishness of the Thatcher years."

Alice Ashley: "Some kids I know got into trouble for throwing biscuits at two lesbians' house. I thought it was quite funny... But it probably wasn't..."

Issue 15: The Woe Issue

Erin Opperman - September 21, 2011 - 1:03am:

"I don't think I've been this devastated since I found out that I was expected to someday push a baby of my vagina."

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Constance Ann Fitzgerald - October 11, 2011 - 5:26pm:
"Who brings a toddler to the dildo store? Can't they just tie it to a tree outside, or something?"

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Marek Oltarzewski - September 21, 2011 - 11:30pm:
"Remember the good old days where the best place to find some pushy Christian preacher was inside the belly of a lion?"

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Topper Holiday - December 12, 2011 - 12:45pm:
"If one more of these hipsters tries to relate to me by talking about Banksy like they have any idea what they're talking about, I'm gonna beat them to death with their own boat shoes."

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Rae Alexandra - June 18, 2011 - 7:56pm:

"It was like Spring Break, but with extra douche. And by "douche", I mean "bongo"."

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Eric Kenny - October 6, 2011 - 10:45pm:
"Martha Stewart in prison? I bet she never smiled when she was bumpin' beavers..."

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Nick Malgieri - July 1, 2011 - 10:25pm:
Rae: "I try not to look at them together because he's pasty and she's pasty and they're both too thin and all I can think about is them doin' it."
Nick: "I know. It's like two pairs of scissors trying to start a fire."

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Spike Clark - December 16, 2011 - 1:10am:
"I was coerced by a female into entering a cinema to watch 'Twilight', roused by the shallow fact that she might do sexing later as a thank you. Five minutes into the opening wedding scene I made a series of sweeping judgments that everyone else in the cinema was obviously in need of a kick in the fanny and would have to kick my own ass if I remained there much longer.
I took one last look at my date and climbed backwards over three rows, plus half a dozen frightened teenage girls.
With only the spotty faced usher boy blocking my path and about to protest my distain of traditional and safe exit methods, I merely growled at him until he shrank back, recognising my primeval instinct to escape this torture.
I've learnt a valuable lesson in exchange for this pair of cinema tickets, popcorn and a lost blow-job, and it is this: the 'Twilight' saga is, truly, the death of cinema."

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Dimitrios Poulos - April 14, 2011 - 2:15pm:
Rae [drops something]: "Fucking fuck! Fucking Mercury in retrograde!"
Dimitrios: "Dude, you dropped something. Don't blame the whole planet."

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MORE COMING SOON!

Issue 14: Topper (and no one else) on Burning Man

Topper Holiday - August 12, 2011 - 10:18am:

"Next week is the best week to live in San Francisco all year, because all the assholes with parrots, lizards, or snakes on their shoulders, or that one asshole that rides a giant unicycle around, or that Mad Max-looking bitch with the Kevlar-plated laptop, are all away at Burning Man and we don't have to deal with the pretentious bullshit that comes with that whole crowd. I wish I could drop a nuke and turn that ridiculous Utopian playground into a sea of glass, so I might be able to once again stand in line at a taqueria without having to hear about the subtle intricacies of fire-spinning. Oh, and for the record, any adult that hula-hoops should be shot in the face with a cannon that shoots fire ants. And fire."

Topper Holiday - September 2, 2010 - 9:28am:
"I mean, what the fuck is up with hula hoops with fucking tin foil and florescent day-glo duct tape wrapped around them? And like, tassles. That shit is ridiculous. Seriously, you go listen to music and fucking HULA HOOP. What are you, five years old? No, you're not sexy, and there's people around you trying to dance to this shitty music you all love so much, and you're hitting them with your hula hoop. You're taking up a lot of space. Someone needs to sit you down and tell you in no uncertain terms, you're a fucking ASSHOLE."

Topper Holiday - September 2, 2010 - 10:05am:
"And don't get me started on fucking Fire Dancers. First of all, if you're a dude fire dancing then there's no hope for you. Just hurry up and die. And chicks think it's all sexy and shit - whatever. Whenever I see you sluts throwing that shit in the air and spinning it around, I pray to whatever god that has been smiting me for all these years to please, PLEASE, for once, do me a solid and let some divine mishap involving kerosene and clumsiness engulf these flamers in ACTUAL FLAMES so I can watch them burn slowly with a couple marshmallows on a fucking stick. You are all potential SMORES to me. What's up god? WTF? Just this once."

Topper Holiday - September 2, 2010 - 10:58am
"And I know what fools are saying: there are so many hot chicks at Burning Man. There's hot chicks at the super market too, and that motherfucker is air conditioned. Half naked chicks running around showing their tits is all good in NOLA because (1.) I can buy a fucking frozen margarita and a poboy right over THERE, and, (2.) Bitches ain't up on drugs for four days in a fucking SAND STORM. You peeling four-day un-showered sand trap vagina? What is this, golf? Look shiny shirt guy, I'm married, so what the fuck I look like making small talk with some broad about shitty FOLK ART in a 110 degree DESERT, just for a bump of molly with some fucking SAND IN IT. No fucking thanks."

Topper Holiday - September 2, 2010 -11:46am
"I would totally wear sparkles - shit, I would dress in a fucking tu-tu and clown make-up if they would let me stab a raver in the face just one time."

Topper Holiday - September 2, 2010 -4:05pm
"The first time I ever tried mescalin, I watched 'Laurence of Arabia'. Burning Man is kinda like that, but even gayer... if it's possible to be gayer then 'Laurence of Arabia'."

Issue 13: The Nerd Issue

Hayley Connelly - September 20, 2011 - 7:45pm:

"I made a new friend today because I had a spaceship T-shirt on and he had the planets. Together we were basically NASA."

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Eric Kenny - January 23, 2011 - 1:27pm:
"Dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel."

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Ben Edwards - September 8, 2011 - 11:40pm:
"So it would appear that I primarily look forward to the inevitable apocalypse as a fashion event. Mmm... Justifiable goggles."

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David Hopkin - July 19, 2011 - 3:06pm:

"Rupert Murdoch on the stand, live on BBC News 24. He just said Gordon Brown took him through the back door and everyone laughed. Amazing.
...Just waiting for Hannibal, B.A. and Face to come through the wall in a tank now."

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Kalene Nickelson - September 5 - 6:29pm:
"Is there a duo anywhere called The Two Yutes? If not, there should be... There just are not enough musical homages to 'My Cousin Vinny' out there."

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Nick Malgieri - June 30 - 10:17pm:
"I mean, what the fuck is that? Superman is the most powerful being on earth and he can't get his hair to stay slicked back? That fucking kiss-curl is like his one genetic weakness or something."

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Rae Alexandra - March 27, 2011 - 10:49pm:

"When my phone starts our Scrabble game with the word 'TROLLOP', I can't help but take it a little personally."

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Dominic Davi - September 25, 2011 - 12:07pm:
"You know... Now that I'm at this Sacramento comic, toy and anime convention... talking to people... I'm not as nerdy as I thought I was. No, really. My standard has totally changed."

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Jef Hoskins - October 10, 2011 - 1:48am:
"I see being 38 like an achievement in mitosis... Basically, I'm two 19-year-olds."

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Frances Bowdery - August 21, 2011 - 12:58am:
"Can't sleep and listening to Leo Sayer playing out from the Rainbow jukebox...
I'm not sure if it's worse that he's an option on there, or that I know that it's him..."

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Emma Deeks - October 28, 2011 - 2:46pm:
"I recently wept during a BBC2 documentary about Bletchley Park, over the code-breakers not getting the recognition they deserved because of the Official Secrets Act...
...I believe I may be a bit overtired..."

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Rae Alexandra & Casey Shafer - February 12, 2011 - 11:49am:
Casey: "Do you have GPS on your phone?"
Rae: "What do I look like? Fucking Buck Rogers?"

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THANKS FOR READING

Issue 12: RAPTURE DAY SPECIAL!

Rae Alexandra - May 21, 2011 - 12:31am:
"Right. Midnight has passed, so we're officially in the midst of The Rapture. Do the Christians start getting sucked up into the clouds now, or after the sun comes up? I'm confused..."

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Nick Malgieri - May 21, 2011 - 10:43am:
"I'm really glad The Rapture isn't until 6pm, because I have a lot of work to do today."

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James McLaren - May 21, 2011 - 1:35am:
"The Pacific Islands will be first to report it.
It's like New Year's with fewer fireworks and more God..."

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Jen Long - May 21, 2011 - 2:46am:
"Excited for The Rapture today. Hope they play 'House Of Jealous Lovers'..."

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Nick Lucas - May 21, 2011 - 12:12pm:
"Drop a Rapture on the Fortitude Valley Mall right now. Everyone here is a giant piece of shit."

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Jo Kendall - May 21, 2011 - 7pm:
"If this was a date, I'd be well cross.
The Rapture's LATE."

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Jamie Oliver - May 21, 2011 - 9:06am:
"Nothing so far. Suppose I can go ahead and unload the M16 assault rifle I slept with last night.
Secretly kinda hoping for a zombie attack..."

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